Pirate Radio: 3

''This is the third instalment of Pirate Radio hosted by Murdoc in 2010, on Plastic Beach. It's only Murdoc in this show.''

(eerie orchestra music, when Murdoc speaks we presume he is trying to find the correct frequency) Oh, it’s coming in, coming around, almost there. Oh that's it… Oh, oh, oh no. A bit more to the left. And... where there!

Okay boys and girls, were back! Your back in the sack on Plastic Beach. Ready to pump so more poison into the atmosphere.

Oh, dear lord. Has- has- has it been a week already? Has it? Oh time flies, doesn't it? (hums) God y'know, it seems like yesterday I was sitting here spinning my disks of shame for you all. Happy Days! (clears throat) So, uh- oh just to remind you all. This is me, Murdoc Niccals, and bass player, of the world's storming band, Gorillaz! And this is it. '''The return. Of. Gorillaz!''' After 3 (elongates word) long years!

Oh dear, Oh dear. That took a lot out me, that. Ah. Are you excited? Well I-I'm- well, I'm certainly aroused. I've- I've got a little bit of a semi, actually. I think the truth should be known. I'm uh (clears throat) yeah, I'm stuck out here. This is what- I'm just stuck. Stuck out here. In uh, uh, Point Nemo! Noman's land. This stinking plastic dump, oh. Just me and Captain Morgan here to guide us through this long dark night of the soul. Jammed in my little lighthouse, on my own Tracey Island. Yeah. Hosting my own stupid little lonely radio show. And tonight, yeah? On (his voice becomes higher pitched) episode three, I'm debuting (‘normal’) some more, killer new Gorillaz tunes! Great aye? (gets frustrated at the audience) Well show some enthusiasm. What's the matter with ya? (‘normal’) Yeah. Come- come with Uncle Murdy- come with Uncle Murdy. Take my hand I'll, lead you, though the forest of uncertainty.

You know what? I need more rum. I just- hang on a second. (effect sound of a bottle opening, he drinks some rum) Oh God. That's a good batch- good batch that! Anyway, I've been uh, running around looking for uh, something special to lay uh, lay on you cats all week. And! What's happen is, I have come across this little number. This is incredible. I'm gonna kick off the show with a '''brand new Gorillaz tune! '''(cheers in glee) Oh, check out this little baby! It's called, Stink Fish and it's Gorillaz!

(the first part of "Rhinestone Eyes" by Gorillaz plays)

Oh man, there you go. God, that'll clear the wax out of your lugholes.

Y'know. It's Murdoc Niccals here. I'm on uh, Point Nemo, uh, and I'm broadcasting to you from this stinking plastic beach. Uh, that I now have to, reside on. But uh, it just- y’know- y’know, it keeps me out of trouble. Y’know? Doing the little radio show. Thanks for tuning in.

Uh, I've just been thinking, you know I said that track was called Stink Fish (makes noises of awkwardness), yeah- I had a little- little think about this. And uh, I can't- I can't really call that track Stink Fish, it's eh- it didn't really- there's nothing all Stink Fishy about it, was it- was there really? You know, that Gorillaz track. So. Uh, I'm just uh- definitely- I've had another thought, uh- and I'm definitely, gonna be calling it, uh, Pepper Larch. Yeah. So that's uh, that's a track called Pepper Larch, by Gorillaz. Ha-ho, marvellous, isn’t it? Um. (clears throat)

Right. Now uh, this is- this is how it is, right? What- I'll tell you what's happened. I'll give you a little backstory, yeah? Murdy wurdy's uh, backstory. I've been stuck on this island for 6... well 7... 8 months, I don't know- I don't know. Hiding myself away. Away from the pirates, y'know? Away from the record companies. Away from those gonks in my band; '''Oh I can’t stand ‘em. '''Russel and, 2-D, and Noodle. Oh, there mere appendages, you know? I-I can't be doing it. Anyway, um, (clears throat) I had to- I just had to get away, y'know? (starts to whine) I-I didn't, y’know- it's too much pressure- it's too much for Murdoc, y'know? I was just losing it- I just eh- I-I (starts to cry) I was just, y'know? Wasn't- I just eh. (sudden change to ‘normal’) I think I better have some rum, hang on. (drinks rum) Oh, that's better. Oh dear, oh dear. The withdraws come on quick. Don't they? These days.

Okay, (regroups himself) right so! (coughs) Anyway! (breathy laugh) Um. I think uh, yes- Uh, I b- the time's- the time's come to tell you Gorillaz fans what’s, uh, what's been happening. I'm on Plastic Beach; Point nemo. The furthest point from any land mass on earth! You thought that was Lester, didn't you? Apparently that used, to be the furthest point. The- It's Point Nemo is now. And uh, it's the most deserted spot on the planet. '''So Suits Me. '''Alright? The map reference actually, just for the record for you people out there that need to know this. I need to know this. I hope- hope you do too. It's uh, 48 degrees um, 52, uh, 36 South, and uh, 123 degrees, 23, 36 West. So, you know where I am, yeah? Good. Right. And uh, what exactly is this Plastic Beach, Uncle Murdy? Well, uh, it's uh, sorta mythical, synthetic palace that I've set up. Umm, in the- the clues in the title really (raunchy laugh). Uh, it's literally an enormous lump of plastic floating in the sea. Kind of a unnatural collection of ancient and modern debris. It's amazing, I'll tell you. Plastic bottles, old tires, electrical cack. And all manner of sorta dumped and damaged goods, right? And it's- and it's all hold together by a thick, sticky, gloop of- of jettison tar and oil slicks from a million untold disasters. '''Oh! Fantastich! Yeah?''' It's actually a congratulation of all the world's trash. It somehow come together, to form a new floating putrid land mass. Great, we need another one of those, don't we, really? Uh, something's uh, something that's been growing since man first lobbed a crisp packet into the sea! Actually the first guy to do that was like a little caveman, I think. Uh the first- you know them- them early crisp packet's in the Neanderthal times? Uh, they had a little, uh bag of blue salt in, do you remember? Yeah amazing. I think it was one of those that was thrown in. Uh, and basically, an ecological, uh, historical disaster is what this is. This whole Plastic Beach thing.

And, believe it or not folks, It's got it's own recording studio. There's a bit of luck for you, ain't it? And uh, and it's got it's own self elected president-a; ME! Murdoc Niccals, King of the Dump! Haha!

Uh. (clears throat) When I- when I- when I dissipated after Demon Days, I-I had to find- I had to hide out somewhere, y'know, where no one would find me, y'know. So I chose this place. Uh, it's got all the old uh, equipment there from Kong Studios. I've had it all shipped over. And uh, started on a new album, y’know? As you do. Do you know what I mean, yeah? And uh, it- basically this is the album to end all albums. Umm, I'm thinking of calling the album; Plastic Beach, or something like that. (small laugh) Maybe. I don't know. Uh. (laughs) anyway! But this album, y’know, it-it-it- I thought this album- it's gotta be something that would make Demon Days just seem like a warm up act, really. Y'know. So it's- it's actually been 3 years in the making. (sharp intake) And uh, I'm sorta just letting a couple of tracks trickle out of the barrel, uh- uh, because there's- there's a tsunami of Gorillaz music on the way, y'know? ''But all in good time people. All in good time.''

Right now, I'm going to play some other crap out of my record collection box. This is uh, oh, The Stranglers, with, The Raven. (Murdoc makes a sound like a Ravens call)

("The Raven" by The Stranglers plays)

("Maps" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs plays)

There you go a little double bubble there on the old Murdy Wurdy Murdoc show, on the ol' point FM. Two tracks in a row without me wittering in between, amazing isn't it, how you can do that technology, er, that was The Raven by The Stranglers and The Yeah Yeah Yeah's with Maps. Yeah I'm going to just have some more, rum here. (drinks rum makes sounds of enjoyment) Oh, you need to have the rum. Gotta have the fortification, y'know?

Uhh, anyway, I'm all on my own out here. Yeah, yeah? Eh- but it's alright, I'm okay, (makes a wuthering noise). Uh, as I said you’re listening to Point Nemo Radio, Stink Fish, FM.

So, while you all get comfy and I strap myself in and tie myself off (granny laugh) Gotta pull myself off (raunchy laugh), while I'm doing the show (cheeky laugh). Can you imagine? It would sound something like this (panted breaths and high picked grunts). No not really, I'm not really doing that- sorry, that’s very crude isn't it, y'know?

I'm gonna kick this- kick this next one up, uh, with this one from Jay-Z and Alicia Keys. Oh, dear old Jay-Z (thunder). He- he's a big part of my sorta musical alphabet. He is! He is! This is uh, "Empire State of Mind".

Ooohhhh, Matron!

("Empire State of Mind" by Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys plays)

("2000 Light Years From Home" by The Rolling Stones plays)

Oh don't you just - don't you just love that, y'know? It's uh my old- my old mate Mick- Mick and Keith. Keith, ah- Keith and me were sorta peas in a pod, y'know? But, were of that- were of that ilk, y'know? We’re cats of uh- cats of a feather, if you can say that. I just did, that’s alright.

It's "2000 light years from home" and that's- that's from the Satanic Majesty's Request. Which, y'know, to be fair, wasn't Sargent Peppers, was it? Eh- y'know? (small chuckles) I think they might have liked it to been, but it was good! It was good! Y'know? I'm not one to criticize! And I like that, I like Bill Wyman’s thing on there, In Another Land. That's beautiful, (laughs lightly) I don't know if you've heard that one. Great track.

Uh, anyway I've been uh, tinkering away at my little- my little shed, uh, for uh- for another week since we last- since we last spoke. Well, since I last talked at you. Um (clears throat) I've been twinkling and twonking away on me keyboard, sorta mixing and mastering. Giving you all some dinky little world exclusives. (makes an old man noise) To wet your pallet, as to what the new, black, leathery, winged, Jabberwocky of an album I'm about to unleash, '''on the world. 'Other (clears throat) I've been zipping'' around the world, y'know? Sometimes in disguise. Sometimes hidden. Always undercover. Y'know? Other collaborators, our- our precious Gorillaz compadre. Ah- I-I've uh- I've chloroformed, and uh, had them shipped out. Uh, once the poison wears off I uh, stick them in the booth and uh, get them to uh, to sing. '''To sing. '''And uh, get them to play, and, ah, do whatever really. But uh, all in the name of music, y'know? Good, thick, sticky Gorillaz music.

(content sighs) Yeah. I think it's about time I uh, pull in another little uh, Gorillaz tune out of my grotty little uh, rucksack for all you lovely fans to listen to. Um I'm tr- I think I'm treating you quite well, to be honest. I am! Uh- y'know? It's- where else you gonna get these tracks? Hm? Hm? Yeah?

Anyway, here it is folks, this track, it's called uh, Salmon on Rye with No Title, To Go, yeah? By Gorillaz.

Hold The Mayo.

(the first part of "Sweepstakes" by Gorillaz plays)

Oh, that's wonderful there. Wonderful track. It's music to my ears. I mean- I mean, it is really isn't it? I mean it's music, and uh, well, it's going in my ears. Y’know? So it's; Music. To. My ears. See what I mean? Down in to the- yeah? I don't have to explain it.

Ah, so, as the uh, darkness grows, and the tide rises and times slips endlessly down the plug hole. (weary sigh) I think it's nearly fair that you get a soundtrack to help you on your way. Help us all ease yourself into the next age. ''The age of Aquarius! The Water era folks!'' Yep. It's coming! Costner foresaw this a few years ago, uh, I didn't think it happened then but I think it's happening now. Uh, I mentioned this last week, y'know? This- this- this um, this book, that I found, it's washed up on the shore. Um, and it's called; The Plastic Beach! And uh, when this gets out, well without being dramatic, I'm uh reasonably sure that uh, time, all nature and the uh, fabric of reality is going to well kinda, well y'know. Implode on itself. (sharp intake) I mean in essence, y'know, Since- since the beginning of time, since the big bang itself, all human knowledge, all human life has been racing towards this point. Oh it has, isn't it, really? Y'know ? Every leap of knowledge, each innovation dubbing itself in speed towards this very moment.

The Eternal Now.

The Infinite Now, yeah?

Uh, the last century saw the birth of flight, the invention of television, uh, the Internet, uh, the coming of trousers. Uh, the iPod, the Facebook, umm, the uh, YouTube, Twitter. Uh- all that, all that stuff, y'know? That's uh- it- it- it's getting progressively worse. Each moment is racing, let’s face it, towards the inevitable. Uh, mankind is racing towards a conclusion, y'know? And that conclusion it's be- it’s coming clearer and clearer.

It had to be here. It had to be now. '''It had to be this Plastic Beach. '''And it had to be us, Gorillaz. Who hailed this horrible transition. Point Nemo. No Man's land. The end of days. The- the little whimper, to finish off, the BIG BANG!

(sounds very worn down) Here's Blondie with Island of Lost Souls.

I used to fancy her.

("Island of Lost Souls" by Blondie plays)

Blondie, The island of lost souls! Ah, very appropriate, I think? Don't you- You’re listening to me, Murdoc Niccals! Uh, on Point Nemo FM. Yeah Baby. You lucky people.

Uh, (clears throat) so uh, to let you know how this uh, new Gorillaz uh, album's actually come about. Um, (clears throat) very soon ladies and gentlemen, uh- I'm gonna unleash this behemoth (cheeky laugh at bad joke) on the world. So keep your ears pealed. Uh, this is all about to get real. '''Really Real. '''So uh, in the uh mean time, here's another thing from the old record box, to keep you cosy. This one uh, my dear dark listeners is called uh, The Night of the Vamp- actually it's not called The Night of the Vam- It's called, Night of the Vampires, and it's by The Moontrekkers. (a loud amplified “mwauhh”)

("Night of the Vampires" by The Moontrekkers plays)

Oh, Night of the Vampires, The Moontrekkers. Have you ever heard that before? It's great ain't it, y'know?

So umm, (clears throat) eh, basically, time, has caught up with this. As it always does. Uh, got uh well, Whales to feed, oceans to travel. But uh, I'll be- I'll be bringing on uh- a special guest next week. A certain singer, y'know? From a very famous band. He's been kept in ah-ah underwater cabin for several months. So uh, (small cough) he should really be gasping for air.

I don't think I'll be giving the game away too much, If I say; he's a twerp with blue hair, who somehow got himself into my band because he looks good, he sings great and he's got no eyeballs. Yes folks, next week I'll be dragging, that old bugger 2-D into my house of horrors, lighthouse booth to sit in alongside me and- shut his face, while I play more Gorillaz tracks. Uh, fresh cuts from the world most glorious band- these- these really are going to be lovely fresh- some lovely fresh Gorillaz cuts.

Uh, and in the meantime folks, sadly, this is me, Murdoc Niccals, sighing off, passing out, and waking up 8 hours later with a congealed lump of fag ash and salivla. The cyanide is kicking in, the fog is wafting in under the door. (sounding very frail) Oh, the rooms beginning to spin, everything's going all... black... again... and, I can feel my... trousers... coming down... and then... I... cold. Cold hands- (sound of surprise) Don't touch!

("I Wanna Marry a Light House Keeper" by Erika Eigen plays)