Pirate Radio: 1

''This is the first instalment of Pirate Radio hosted by Murdoc in 2010, on Plastic Beach. It's only Murdoc in this show. ''

(static sounds as ominous music and blowing wind plays in background, Murdoc is trying to find the correct radio channel) ("heavy fog sounds" are continually playing)

Oh yeah, maybe this is the one, is it?

(static reduces)

Or maybe it's this one...

(even more static)

Oh Christ!

(static fades again)

Ohh, aarrhh! That should be it.

(static is completely gone)

Okay, alright.

(Murdoc tapes the microphone)

Yep, this is all working now. Right.

(Murdoc clears his throat)

Hello world! I'm back! Back! Live on air! It's me, Murdoc Niccals! Yeah! Broadcasting from my brand new stinking palace of sin! Yeah this is, uh, (clears throat) this is me, ain't it? Murdoc Niccals, the Gorillaz king. Coming to you live and direct, from, the middle of, nowhere. So kids, have you missed me? Who wouldn't, 'ay? It's been a long time for all of us, hasn't it? 'Ay? But now, I'm BAACK!!

(ominous music enhances slightly, the "heavy fog sounds" are still playing)

Oh yeah, yeah, you're-you're listening to the, uh, heavy foggy sounds of my very own, rrradio station! Point Nemo FM! 48 degrees south, 123 degrees west, baby. This is me Murdoc Niccals. Representing the listeners of Point Nemo Bay! Which is, uuh, well, basically. Me.

(the sound of thunder clashes)

Uh, yeah, okay well what we've got? What do you do on the radio? Yeah, the weather, right, okay. Uh, the weather is sorta, y'know, same as always, y'know? Foggy, windy, sorta rainy, and just kinda sh(ding)y really. Y'know? Hurricanes, gales, storms and maybe the odd occluded front (nasally, dry laugh). It's the apocalypse at ya baby! Y'know, it's the end of the world? Yeah. Here is The Dead Weather with, "Treat Me Like Your Mother", awww...

("Treat Me Like Your Mother" by The Dead Weather plays)

Ahh. Right. Kids, listeners. I, uh. I guess I should, uh, let you all in on my own little secret. Where am I? I'm in a lighthouse! My own (ding) lighthouse. On my own (ding) beach. It's midnight. It's always midnight here. Midnight in my mind. Horrible, plastic, ghetto! So, right, this is the deal, right? No one's heard a thing from us since the Gorillaz Apollo shows back in 2006, y'know. Fantastic gigs, y'know, yeah. I was at the zenith. The very apogee of my creative output. Wasn't I? Yeah. But anyway, what happened, after all that, right, what hap- wh-wh-wh-what- when they, when they after they ended, I had to, y'know, sorta skip. You know? Split. The heat got too heavy so I, uh, I collapsed the Kong building, ''do you remember that place? ''(low hum) I-I-I-I just burned it down. (chuckles, thunder) I, uh, grabbed the cash, and the copters, and just sorta made my way out of there, really. (sigh) What a place this is. What a place. A-a bit more of that and a bit (single, dry laugh). I've got a loong strange story to tell you. Ehh. Right! But more entertainment cause we are in the business of show, aren't we? Check this out! It's my old pal "Kirk Douglas" who's got that lovely little dimple in this chin. Don't you love that little- I'd love to rest my weary bones in that little dinkle.

(Murdoc’s voice changes to a higher pitch)

I've got a long strange story to tell you! YES, Murdoc's got a story to tell ya!

(Murdoc's voice retunes to his normal rasp, perhaps a little deeper)

But first, check this out, it's me old pal Kirk Douglas. He's got "A Whale of a Tale" to tell you. '''LISTEN TO KIRRRK! '''

Listen to Kirk.

("A Whale of a Tell" by Kirk Douglas play)

Ehh. Is there anybody out there? Helloo? '''HELLOOO? '''Uhh, well (clears throat). I don't know if I'm, well, well If I might be just, y'know, broadcasting into the middle of nowhere. Can't tell really, it's very difficult to tell. It's just me. The island. The world to myself. Beautiful... ''God. I'm so alone...'' Can't tell how long It's been here, y'know? The fog, the waves, and the heeeat! OWW, the heeeat! It's clammy here! Oh... I might as well tell you what happened. Just to get it out, y'know? I might feel better, y'know? Umm, it's too much heat.

(clears throat) Yeah, right. The money we made off, uh, off Demon Days, uh, I-I-I spent on some, ridiculous kinda, cat stuff, y'know? Crazy shizzle, y'know. Then I, then I sold some, uh. Well, you know. Big bombs to some pirates. (clears throat) Some of the bombs, eh, they, uh, they didn't really work very well. Well, none of them worked really. Eh, so the pirates they came looking for me. Eh, in the jets. And the copters. Uh, so, I gave them some more guns to, uh, y'know, sorta, keep them quiet (chuckles weakly). And I just ran off! (chuckles weakly again) Yeah, I'm rambling now. But, uh, '''where I am now, you know, no one's gonna find me here, are they?! '''I mean it's just, it's just me, and a thousand crates of rum! Excuse me, I just gotta a little, tincture.

(Murdoc drinks what is presumed to be rum)

Mhm, oh god, that's nice. Mmm... Mm, gives us sort of a warm glow as it goes down the back of the throat. Mmm, that's better! I don't mind being on my own now (deep chuckle). It's just when it wears off, it's a little (squeal), little tricky. Mm. (sighs) Right, so, basically, here, er, is my- what I've got, is like, my big shiny record collection, and my recording studio! '''Oh yeah! Yeah yeah! No!''' I almost forgot! I-I-I've got- I've got, some special, little treat for all you landlubbers out there. I, oh yeah, Uncle Murdoc, has got some brand new... Gorillaz tracks!

(a twinkle effect)

Oh yeah! Brand new Gorillaz!

(existing thunder)

Get on that! You didn't think I'd leave you all alone, did you? Mmm. Oh, it's making me moist just thinking about it (weird arousal noises). Brand new, unrealised, '''Gorillaz! '''(small light laugh)

(Murdoc's voice becomes serious and echoey)

'''But not yet! Not. yet.''' I've got to find the right track to pull out the old stocking, hmm...

(a slight cough puts Murdoc’s voice back to normal)

But first, while I, uh, while I, uh, dig out my, uh, my demos, let's, uh, wrap the show up a gear with, uh, something to kick the sand right out of your ears. It's The Tregra with, "The Island"!

(Murdoc's scream is mixed with an echoey female's)

("This Island" by Le Tigre plays) name is wrong in the show

Owhh!! Oh there he is, oh, I was waiting for the come at the end. Ahh-ahh-ah-ooh! That was nice, wasn't it? Le Tigra and "The Island" yeah, (more "ahahoh" sounds). I like that track (weird half growl). (self-pity sigh) I, uh, I can do the little bikini call myself right now, actually (long, dodgy sounding "ahee" with extended "e"). Y'know, this island, yeah? It's been dry for so long! So long. It has! (sigh) Not anymore though, ('wa-a-oh" sounds) Murdoc's here. (gruffed "mm"s) Cheeky cheeky's (more grunting) mmm, lovely.

Anyway (composing cough), here it is, um, imaginary listeners. I don't really think there is anyone listening out there. You know what? I don't care! I don't even care! Don't care. It doesn't even bother me. Nu-uh-uh-uh! Oh no, ah, oh! Just gets me through the day, y'know. A few little noises. Y'know. A bit of an outlet. (deep breath) Anyway, this is the moment you've all been waiting for. You have, haven't you? Just wait, it's oh so special! This, uh, this is something I've been, ah-ah, a little something I've been working on. Like, uh, you know Gorillaz-style? Uhh, I haven't actually got a name for it yet. But, uh, it's fantastic, right? Well, actually now I just thought of the name. I know what the name's gonna be! It's, ahh, it's a working title. Right? But, uh, it's absolutely fantastic. This is the very premiere! Check it out, kids! And, uh, I know your gonna like it! It's- I think- well, my opinion, it's the greatest track that Gorillaz has ever done, in their whole oeuvre! I think. And uh, it's called- it's definitely going to be called, "Stink Fish".

You know what? I'm not going to play that. Yeah, I'm still not sure about that title, y'know. "Stink Fish". It doesn't really work, does it? Not for the first track from the new Gorillaz album. It's a bit of a let-down. No, no, in fact, uh, I'm going to, uh, I'm going to play this by, uh, the old uh, Fun Boy Three (dry chuckle). "The Lunatics Have Taken Over the Asylum" which is kinda how I feel about my own appearance here, right now...

("The Lunatics Have Taken Over The Asylum"by Fun Boy Three plays)

Ahh, that was great, wasn't it? Y'know. Terry Hall there? It'll be good to see them before. Actually folks, uh, I've, uh, I've been thinking. I'm, uh, I'm not going to call the new, uh, Gorillaz track "Stink Fish". Well, it's just a rubbish title, isn't it really? I-I've decided, um, I've had a little think, uh, during the track there and I've decided, uh, probably, definitely, I would say, that the track, uh, is gonna to be called, "QUUAAAARG!" Good 'ey? Anyway, I'm going to play that sometime soon, when it's ready. Uh, when the alarm bells ring, and the old, uh, oven door opens.

'''Not yet! Not yet!'''

So, ah, uh, ah, I'm uh, as I told you, uh-uh, I'm making this new album. Uh, I'm just all on me own. That's all, I'm on me own, that's right, I'm on me own, what wrong with that? Huh? Uh, and the whole thing, it just sounded fantastic, y'know? I'm just so, I'm so buzzed by it all. Y'know, it's great. It's uh, so much better than the last one. That was awful! "Demon Days", AWFUL! Well, some of it was alright, yeah. Anyway, but, thing about it was, uh, I thought it was too much Noodle on that one, yeah? But, uh, not enough of me, obviously. Really. (long sigh) Thing is though, the more I drink, the weird thing about me- hang on a sec', (takes a loud slurp of rum) Oh yeah, the weird thing about me is, mm, the more I drink, the more sober I become. Weird isn't it?

Mmm, anyway. (clears throat) Ah, I-I talked about the album, um, I needed, uh, sorta of a little extra backup. So, uh, y'know, to take the, uh, WOW factor, up a notch or two. Uh, so I got 2D out here. Uh, he didn't wanna come. He was scaredy, lil scardey cat, scaredy cat. But, uh, he didn't actually have much of a choice, uh. I sorta, uh- well, I gassed him and shipped him over. (small dry chuckle) Kidnapped. Shoved him in a box and then sorta, freighted over. Soo, that was the vocals sorted (dry chuckle). And then I thought, "GUESTS! Ahh! We always got. guests!" So like, who am I gonna ship in this time? I thought, "Well, let's keep this in the family." So, I-I-I got a tip- a tape by these guys, right? Uh, in fact, uh, this is the track, uh, that I got sent by a lovely bunch of uh, uhh, of boys. Uh. I don't mean it in that respect (chuckles awkwardly). Not really- I don't, I don't mean like that (chuckles awkwardly again). And, uh, (chuckle) I look at it- (chuckle) ''it's remarkable how much like Ronnie Corbett I can become, isn't it? Y'know? Actually, y'know I spoke to my producer I said, "Loook, Lewk" I don't''- I've been, I've been on my own far too long. I know it's mad isn't? Ronnie Corbett, get out of me- I love Ronnie Corbett. I quite fancy him to be honest. I'd like to do it with him, I'll tell you that for nothing. Anyway, (Phil laughs) This rum's good! I don't- I know, you know, I looked at the picture, I thought, "Eh-he looks familiar" Ohh, my gothic little angels. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it? My boys. I mean what are the chances of this look, y'know, 5 separate kids, from 5 separate mothers, meeting up and forming a band! And there good! Unbelievable odds, isn't it? 'Ey? Have a listen! 'Eh? Check it out there my boys! Ahh, God I'm so proud! Y'know? This is, uh, this is The Horrors with, uh. "Sea Within A Sea". I need something to speed me up!!

("See Within A Sea" by The Horrors plays)

Okay, uh, I'd like to, uh, I'd to send out some, uh, very late Birthday wishes to a special little girl. A special girl who turned 19 last Halloween. Our very own, Noodle. Ahh Noodle, I do hope she's okay. I-I-I-I haven't seen her since the, uh, El Manana video. Oh, what a cock out that was. 50 grand of floating island crashing and burning. Noodle's on there. She, she was meant to parachute off. I-I think she did, but, well, you never know. The thing was- the thing was, shot down by these copters that tailed us down to the shoot. Same guys I'm running from now, yeah. The black clouds! So, (clears throat) y'know, maybe Noodle's no more... I managed to, uh, scrap up some bits and pieces and, uh, kinda put something new together. But, awwah, it's not the same really... Still! '''Great video! '''Happy birthday Noodle where ever you are... Aww...

("You Only Live Twice" by Nancy Sinatra plays)

Oh listen... It's got that, listen to that, it's got that Robin Williams thing, y'know? The guy who played Popeye when he did that song? Oh, Nancy Sinatra y'know? Oohh, was getting some funny old feelings there, thinking about her, y'know, with her big boots, I used to like those (raunchy noises) Lovely! (chuckles again)

Oh, you only live twice! Actually, I-I don't. Uh, I think I've lived 14 times altogether. Maybe even more. Who knows? We'll go in, into that, more later on. That's quite serious, it's not a joke. I think it might be more than 14- but as I say, we'll go into that later on. Not now. Now's not the time, alright? Okay.

That was Nancy Sinatra, whose dad was (hums as though thinking of what to say) quite scary in some ways, wasn't he? Bob Sinatra, remember him? Ooh, big fella, y'know? Very violent. I like- I like- I like a violent man. I like a man who's prone to psychosis, y'know? Can be sorta nice by turns, and then, psychotic another day. Great. Least you know where you stand. Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?

Right anyway, (clears throat) here we go another treat for you, right. This is something extra to put in your pipe. (takes a breath) I was thinking of playing this other Gorillaz track that I've been working on. Uh, it's almost finished- well, it is finished, apart from the title. Uh, someone's written "Stink Fish: Version 2" on the label which, eh, well sounds rubbish really, doesn't it? (moment of silence, presuming he's looking at the lable) ''Oh. Come to think of it, looks like my writing a bit. I don't remember coming up with that name... www-'why would I? "Stink Fish"- I mean, why would I- Why would I call it Stink Fish, huh...''

Anyway, while I look for the, uh, right track here's, uh, "Toots & the Maytals" with, uh, "Sweet and Dandy" from "The Harder they come" An old time, uh, favourite record of mine.

Now, where's that, uh, new Gorillaz album gone, I had here somewhere, where is it?

("Sweet & Dandy" by Toots & The Maytals plays)

(extended "oh" sound) Isn't that great? Toots & the Maytals there. (some classic "o"ing followed by a relaxed sigh)

Anyway, so there you are. (chuckle) Certainly sent the- a, sorta brisk wind down your old tailpipe doesn't it, y'know? I-I feel all clean and sparkly now, y'know? I need a good old detox actually I just, eh, I'm gonna have a bit more rum (drinks rum, enjoys it) Oh- oh god- oh, I think- I think the lining of my- my throat is coming away. It seems- that's what it feels like, nice feeling though. Nice feeling.

Right (clears throat) anyway, uh, I've gotta go now. Um, I don't know what I'm gonna go and do, but, uh, I'm just gonna go. Um, and uh, really that's all we got time for today. Ah- oh, I better be a bit professional now! Uh, (trys to do a deep 'Radio' voice) You be listening to Mur- (it fails big time) Uh, I can't really do the voice, but this is- this like a proper DJ right, they go (does the voice again, it's somehow worse) You be listening to me, Murdoc Niccals, the Gori- (stops) DJ's don’t sound like that, do they? Aw, I do it anyway. (unfortunately, it continues) This is me (stops again) No, no, no, I'll do it again, start again (three sets of "WA!", sounds a little like a duck). Here we go (laughs at self).

(does not put on a 'DJ voice') You be listening to me, Murdoc Niccals, the Gorillaz king at Point Nemo FM'''. '''48 degrees south, and 123 degrees west. There's rain everywhere. There's an eerie green fog rolling in over the bay. A bloody handprint on the door. Everything's leaking, and I've run out of mixer. (hum of annoyance) I can't just sit here drinking weak rum on my own. Can I? Oh. ''We'll be back. Maybe next week, or something like that if I'm still here.''

Oh hang on, hang on! Here it is, the new Gorillaz album "Plastic Beach". '''Found it! '''Oh, EMI my will pleased. Oh, that was close. Massive stock market U-turn, "Company salvaged. Returned to form". Phew! I was thinking I was gonna have to re-record all that. (sound of dread).

So folks! Tune in next week when I'll be finally airing- premiering some brand new un-heard album tracks, from the third instalment of my fantastic Gorillaz band. That is a promise folks. Honestly, I promise you.

So, if I haven't drowned in rum, plastic and urethane, meet me here, and feast your ears on the musical world exclusive. New, Gorillaz! I might even tell you who's on the track. And, I will be playing, of course, "Stink Fish", at- at a, later day.

And remember boys and girls, SATAN LOVES YOU!!

(Murdoc's yell is echoed into a fade of the last song)

 (" I Wanna Marry a Light House Keeper " by Erika Eigen plays)